"How to Talk so Your Kids Will Listen and Listen so Your Kids Will Talk"...or not...

In an effort to take our parenting skills to the next level (level 1 out of 100), Glen and I have been reading the above book. Particularly important for managing the four year old in our family.

The book is great. Instead of communicating in a way that leads to lying, anger or fear, the book offers ideas for using language to nurture self esteem, cooperation and mutual respect.

But putting the concepts into practice has been tough.

This morning's stalemate was about putting on a helmet. After loads of screaming about the helmet and taking it off even after we've tried to adjust it...I tested out some ideas from the book-

For the purposes of this therablog (therapy through blogging), a "cycle" as referenced below includes

• several time outs, 4 minutes each in length
• quite a bit of awkward backbreaking restraining of a very mad child in the time out corner
• I confess, a dramatic, desperate, and failed attempt to force a helmet on to said mad child (in front of neighbours, of course)

Acknowledge the child's feelings and empathise: Sounds like your helmet is really bugging you. Ouch. No good. And you don't like things messing up your hair, do you? That buckle really bugs your chin, hey?...

-many cycles later-

Use fantasy: I wish I could make the streets safe so that no helmets were needed. Or that you could have a helmet made of feathers and fairy dust.

-many cycles later-

Describe the situation: You are refusing to wear your helmet and we can't leave until you change your mind.

-many cycles later-

Provide information1: Helmets are necessary when riding bikes. And you are riding your bike today so that Dad can pick you up on his bike and you can zoom home together in time for tea.

-many cycles later-

Provide information2: When we take extra time in the morning to discuss helmets etc, we are late, leaving less time to play at the end of the day.

-many cycles later-

State expectations: I expect you to take the necessary steps for getting to nursery nicely, and that includes wearing your helmet.

-many cycles later-

Describe how you are feeling: This issue over the helmet is making mom frustrated and cross. I don't like my time being wasted and it bothers me when we don't work as a team to get to school nicely.

-many cycles later-

Be short. Don't lecture: Savvy - HELMET

-many cycles later-

Consequences1: Savvy, if you don't put your helmet on, we will no longer have time for outdoor play after nursery.

-many cycles later-

Consequences2: Savvy, if you don't put your helmet on, we will no longer have time for pudding.

-many cycles later-

Consequences3: Savvy, if you don't put your helmet on, we will no longer have time for bedtime stories.

-many cycles later-

So as not to nurture a vengeful psychopath, provide a means for making amends: Savvy, there is a way to make this better. Tomorrow is a new day and you can get ready for swimming nicely in the morning so that you can have time for outdoor play, pudding and stories tomorrow.

-many cycles later-

At all cost, avoid punishment. It doesn't work in the long term: "Savvy, if you don't put your helmet on, you can't go to your friend's party on Saturday. Ok, then as well, your favourite dress will go to charity. Ok, now your favourite jumper. Ok, now your favourite coat...[helmet goes on at the 3 hour mark]...Well done, we get to keep the coat then".

Oops. Wasn't suppose to resort to punishment.

Truth be told, I might have started with this last one if I wasn't reading this book and on maternity leave with the 3 hours in the morning to spare but seem to have ended up there anyway. Might not be effective for the long term, but today, it was all I had left in my toolbox.

Obviously need to keep reading....